The 5 Foods Guys Love To Eat

So, this list has been shared a few times today on my Facebook feed… I can make lists too.

First of all, regarding the road trip snacks, she forgets to mention how the girl leaves the empty bag of Doritos, the Diet Coke bottle with 1 sip left in it, and empty bag of Reese’s Pieces all over the car (if you’re not getting Peanut M&Ms over these, you better just be allergic to nuts). For some reason, girls mistake the interior of their cars for trash cans.

Chick-fil-a is good… but overrated. (I can hear your gasps from here). Also, if you hate pickles like I do, and they put pickles on the sandwich, you might as well throw it in the girl’s car along with the rest of the trash. White girls LOVE pickles though, so it makes sense. And please get over yourself and just open on Sundays.

Warm brownies and cookies trump cupcake ANY DAY. The entire appeal to a cupcake for a girl is because it’s made all pink and pretty. That’s stupid.

No one’s hatin on brunch though… eggs and benny all day. And house potatoes so you don’t miss any of the hollandaise or yolk drippings.

Lastly, I don’t understand brie. What am I supposed to do with that white candle wax crap on top? Do you eat that? Okay fine… but if I have to eat that, the inside better be delectable… and to be honest, brie itself sucks and tastes like nothing.

Which finally leads me to #5 on the list of Foods Guys Love To Eat.

5. Extra sharp shredded cheese. Enjoy your expensive brie and gouda you posers. Give me a bag of extra sharp shredded cheese and my opportunities are endless. Sprinkle some on a tortilla and microwave it into a quesadilla. Sprinkle some on top of scrambled eggs. Sprinkle some in my mouth. Or just give me a block of it so I can use one of these wire cheese slicers my wife probably registered for.

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4. Wings. And if you order boneless wings, you’re dead to me. (#2 below is an exception to this, I guess). Blue cheese or ranch for dipping.Random, but have you ever eaten wings without watching sports? If you have, that’s kind of disgusting… no? You can eat pizza, chips, etc… without sports… but no one’s eating wings without football on TV, right? Just wondering.

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3. Rotisserie Chicken. These are like $5 from the grocery store and they come in a bag. Again, another versatile food you can eat by itself or make meals out of. Although, you must at least eat the skin while it’s fresh. Then, you can tear off some pieces and make a sandwich out of it. Tear off some pieces and put it in the quesadilla you made from #5. When you’re done, seal the bag shut and put it in the fridge. You’ll revisit this bag throughout the week for random pieces of cold chicken. When it’s wearing thin to the bones, you put it in the microwave (to melt the juices/gravy) and pick off the remaining scraps for dinner on a pathetic Tuesday night.

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2. McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets w/ McDonald’s “BarBeQue” Sauce. I already know the first thing you’re thinking of right now. “Oh but have you seen how those are made?! It’s like this pink paste that they turn into chicken nuggets! Here let me show you a picture.” Dont. I’ve seen it. Everyone’s seen it. But everyone still eats them, so who cares. Fact – these suck without the barbecue sauce from McDonald’s. Just not the same when you try and use your own bottle of KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce. On a sidenote, why is it that every fast food chain has condiments you can ONLY use for their foods? For example, I can only use Whataburger ketchup if I’m eating Whataburger. Could you imagine using your own regular bottle of ketchup with fries from Whataburger? Anyway, some people like the McDonald’s Sweet n’ Sour sauce for their nuggets… meh. You can maybe make due with their ketchup, but if you got a 20 piece.. you’ll really miss the BBQ sauce by the 5th nugget. I think you can get 20 nuggets for $5… which is kind of disgusting but also kind of American.

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#1 Beef Jerky. I wasn’t gonna be lame and put bacon here at #1 and make a bunch of overused comments about how bacon is the best food in the world. It’s good, but it’s kinda overrated and obvious at this point. Beef jerky is magnificent. Whether it’s a bag of Jack Links or homemade Deer Jerky or something from one of your friends who hunts and knows how to do that. It’s just a manly food full of protein you can eat at any time of the day. On those road trips mentioned in the original list, a guy is obvi buying a bag of beef jerky over a bag of Doritos (that is, if they didn’t already have a bag in their car). The only flaw with beef jerky is the price… and to that, I respond with the top comment from this Reddit post:

“Beef jerky has two major inputs, steak and energy. Which combine to reduce the size and weight of the steak. A pound of steak becomes a few ounces of beef jerky, and the few ounces of jerky need to cover the cost of the steak and energy required to evaporate all the water and add the tasty smoke.”

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 I’m already expecting a bunch of hate about how I left off pizza, peanut butter sandwiches, mac n cheese, etc… in which case, suck it and make your own list.

Honorable Mentions:

  • Biscuits and/or gravy
  • Totinos pizza rolls
  • Jack In The Box Tacos ONLY with their hot sauce